A Night with Janice

by Valerie Maloof

As Janice fills out her online dating profile she would love to describe herself as filthy and have it be convincing. She'd love to write to a man about what a wild night with her would be like, but doesn't know where to start. She wants to be on top without losing her coordination, she wants to go to the dentist with a hint of cleavage and perfume and she wants to know it means when people say that sex is a physical expression of love.

She would love to carry herself at the grocery store like Angie Johnson. Angie is a beautiful woman who stands tall in figure flattering dresses who most definitely gives incredible sex to men because she squeezes Roma tomatoes with manicured nails and Janice and all the mothers at the grocery store know that Angie Johnson gives the smuttiest sex that goes beyond their imaginations. And while they've been such good mothers who take their kids to piano lessons on time and make sure their kids have clean faces and healthy lunches there is something so primal that lives and dies inside of them every time they see Angie's manicured nails.

That's why Janice fills out her online dating profile with her husband screaming at the football game in the other room. If she can write 'filthy' underneath her name and engage in harmless conversation with a man who wants to hear more about a night with her then she'll certainly gain stability when she's on top, and rip off her blouse and not flinch when her husband touches her breasts. If anything it will give her confidence to glide through the grocery store and stand next to Angie Johnson in line at the checkout counter as a fellow member of the Smutty Women's Club and feel alive rather than dead.

BIO: Valerie Maloof is a Boston-based writer who hates writing bios about herself. She hated writing bios when she was going to school at Emerson College and continues to hate them as a student at Grub Street. Her recent publication in Tell us a Story Blog also contains a disdainful bio.