Reynaldo's Solutions


by Shaun Hayes

Thanks to everyone for your amazing work in the audition process! This was easily the most enjoyable and most difficultcasting process I've ever had. You were all terrific. The bard would be proud. Cast--congratulations! and please initial your role to indicate you've seen the list and accept your position. Make sure to see Mr. Orsino for your scripts. First rehearsal is at 7pm SHARP on Wednesday. See you there. And remember: the PLAY'S the thing!!

                                                                                                - P

Lebanon Community Theatre Presents:

HAMLET by William Shakespeare

Dir. Patrick Razze

Production Stage Manager: Johnny Orsino

 

CAST LIST:

 

Hamlet..................................................................................................................Kurt Martin  KM
            (Understudy: Derrick Talbot)

Claudius........................................................................................................... Jay Wojnorowski JW
Gertrude...........................................................................................................Caroline LaPorta
cLp
Polonius.................................................................................................................Tim Manning
tim
Ophelia..............................................................................................................Sarah Michaels
SM :)
Laertes..............................................................................................................Jarrod Yuskauskas
jy
Horatio.......................................................................................................................Rob Ventre
RV.
Ghost/Player King....................................................................................................Chadd Zivic
Z
Rosencrantz......................................................................................................Randy Simons
R2theS
Guildenstern.............................................................................................................Brian Taylor
BT

Marcellus/Gravedigger..............................................................................................Liz Dailey L/D
Bernardo/Osric.......................................................................................................Phil LaPorta
PlP
Player Queen..........................................................................................................Emily O'Neill
EO
Osric/Lucianus.......................................................................................................Chris Pickard cp!
Fortinbras...................................................................................................Matt Breiner
MB! Woohoo!

Voltimand..........................................................................................................Elizabeth Dailey LD
Sailor/Ensemble....................................................................................................Kris Yoder
KY,esq.
Messenger/Ensemble..............................................................................................Mark Young
MY
Ensemble...............................................................................................................Jamie Arnold
J.A.

Ensemble...................................................................................................Kathryn W. Entwistle KW

Reynaldo/Ensemble.................................................................................................Derrick Talbot

                                                                                                                                                                   

 

1.

Plug up all the doors with towels, rags, miscellaneous junk from dressing rooms and storage. Make sure all exits—including stage doors—locked. Fill green room with flammable items douse with gasoline during opening scene when everyone heads backstage. Strike match in Act 1, Scene 2 when Hamlet Kurt says “Oh that this too too sullied flesh would melt, Thaw and resolve itself into a dew,” and unleash hell. Let everyone burn down with theatre. Place is an old tinderbox barn and would likely go up in a huge bright flash.

Pros:      - VERY dramatic and irony with melting flesh line spectacular.

                - Kurt burns up and so do Sarah and the rest of his idiot fans.

                - No witnesses.

 

Cons:     - Someone could call fire dept on their cell.

- Would have to remain inside theatre to get this right and would like to avoid dying—

especially in the event that plan fails.

                - Don’t do well around fire.

                - Potential that Kurt finds way to play the hero.

 

2.

Sneak backstage during Act 3, climb to rigging loft, release counterweight on main lighting batten, wait for Haml Kurt to butcher “To be or not to be,” then drop batten, crushing Kurt flat.

Pros:      - Kurt unable to ruin—again—speech you were born to deliver.

- Incident might get chalked up to theatre superstitions.

- Rest of cast healthy and ready to go when I step in to play HAMLET for remainder of

run!!

Cons:     - Unlikely to get away without being seen/caught by stage crew manning the fly                                             

                                system.

- Afraid of heights.

- Not a techie, have no idea how to work backstage crap. Might accidentally make scene

more dramatic without accomplishing goal.

 

3.

Ditch production, abandon years of hard work, taking tiny roles and trying to get noticed.

Leave memories with Sarah behind—meeting here, loving here, being forgotten here after last show of

Bye-Bye Birdie the night of the cast party at Kurt’s house. Start own theatre, put on

own Hamlet, cast with an eye to talent over looks. Cross fingers that at least a few of the crew

folks from community theatre would join. Invite whole town, do show for free, steal Kurt’s

spotlight.

Pros:      - Can make rules at own theatre, i.e. "Derrick Talbot is never to be an understudy w/tiny bit

role ever again.”

                - Sarah finally able to see true talent, make informed romantic decision.

- Get Big Break.

 

Cons:     - Would need a theatre. Stage crew. Prop dept. Costumers. Designers. Other actors (ugh).

- Community theatre Hamlet opens tomorrow.

- Kurt gets off scot free. Likely consoled by Sarah when no audience shows up.* Might

even take advantage of empty theatre for private consolation time. UNACCEPTABLE.

 

4.

 

Get on Board of Directors at Community Theatre. Make rousing speech about how performance quality has dropped since Bye-Bye Birdie with same faces always getting the lead roles. Move board to tears and hint that the next big thing in acting may have been closer than they realized.

Pros:      - Get to use acting abilities in real-life scenario

                - Prestige of job with Board of Directors would impress Sarah, disprove “loser” image.

Cons: - Unsure how to even get on Board and would rather not spend valuable time researching.

                - Get nervous in meetings, might throw up before or during rousing speech.*

(*If speech fails, invite board members to same performance of Hamletand enact option #1.)

 

5.

Follow friends’ advice. “Grow up,” “move on,” and stay ready to go on if Kurt falls ill

and at Understudy Matinee. Hope people show up and see talent in action.

Pros:      - Free.

- Legal.

 

Cons:     - Tried this with Grease, Our Town, Bye-bye Birdie, Macbeth (should have enacted plan

then!), Godspell, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, and Putnam County Spelling Bee. Has yet to work

and no one comes to Understudy Matinee. Ever.

                - Completely fails to address Sarah’s decision to be with Kurt.

- Other understudies are beneath you.

 

6.

Poison prop sword, go on in place of Jarrod as Laertes in Act 5 (audience won’t notice due

to being put to sleep by awful lead performance) and cut H KURTfatally poisoning him.

Pros:      - Kurt dies from poison.

- Onstage with Kurt while whole audience and Sarah watching, all will see who is better

performer.

 

Cons:     - Laertes is killed by Hamlet. Depending on poison, scene might get that far. Cannot let

Kurt win, but will NOT rewrite Shakespeare.

- Jarrod is pretty strong. And unlikely to accept plan. Would need additional plan to

deal with Jarrod before could assume his role. Juggling too many plans confusing and

messy.

- Don’t have any deadly poison.

 

7.

Quit show. Find new artistic outlet. Let Sarah do whatever she wants.

Pros: ?

Cons:     - Sarah “wants” to sleep with Kurt.

- Kurt keeps getting lead roles in all the shows when he doesn’t deserve to be cast at all.

- Audience deprived of acting abilities even as gifted bit player.

- No longer part of The Life.

- Not able to draw, write or play any instruments.

 

8.

Poison Kurt’s makeup. Let chips fall where they may.

Pros:      - Kurt swells up like a pumpkin and looks ridiculous.

 

- Get to take over as HAMLET! when Kurt unable to continue due to poison all over

face.* Might have Kurt placed as new Understudy to Hamlet. (!)

                - Impress Sarah, expect to look comparatively better when Kurt a pumpkin monster.

- Start new era as leading man at community theatre.

 

Cons:     - Again, lack pumpkin-monster-making poison.

(*No matter what plan chosen, will continue nightly regimen of spitting in Kurt’s foundation.)

 

9.

Get into costume shop. Stick pins and dump fiberglass in Kurt’s costume.

Pros:      - Get to see Kurt in pain, embarrassed.

- Mostly legal.

 

Cons:     - Plan has failed in past.

- Need access to costume shop and was barred after prior failures.

                - Costumers insist will get violent if caught trying to break into costume shop again.

 

10.

Find Kurt when he’s not with Sarah. Congratulate him on getting cast as Hamlet. Try to be the bigger man. Laugh at what he says next.  Don’t bring up Sarah or follow up on any mention of Sarah, especially not anything about seeing them on the theatre roof last week or how, the summer before Kurt showed up, Sarah took you up through the hatch above the rigging balcony. Avoid thinking about how she held your hand the first time you followed her up there two years ago, how her ponytail danced over her bare shoulders in the gusts from the vents. How your head spun with the scent of her on your clothes the whole ride home that night. Keep smiling.

Pros:      - Right thing to do.

Cons:     - Obvious.

 

11.

Act heart out. Steal show as Reynaldo. Turn 13 lines of “Yes, my lord” into heart-rending,

pulse-quickening art. Send flowers anonymously to Sarah. Violets and rosemary. Obviously.

Pros:      - Would achieve feat never attained in 400 years of theatre.

Cons:     - Doubt she’d notice.




BIO: Shaun Hayes is a student in the low-residency MFA Creative Writing program at Pacific University. His work appeared most recently in the Summer 2011 issue of 322 Review. He lives in Fountain Hill, Pennsylvania with his patient wife, Katherine.